And Then You die . . .

Favorite bumper sticker: “Life sucks. And then you die.” LOL.

Revised bumper sticker: “Old age sucks. And then you die.” This is not as funny, but it’s not negative. “The truth shall make you free.”  (John 8:32)

There are hundreds of books on aging: healthy aging, positive aging, sexy aging, RV aging, dates and aging, blah, blah, blah.  Let’s admit it and be free: Old age  sucks.

The truth isn’t always nice. Cells break down, spinal disks erode, muscles cramp, stomachs won’t digest, joints ache, ears don’t hear, eyes dim, memory fades. Worst of all: Doctors, hospitals, pills, vitamins, spinach: None of them work. And no amount of meditation or positive thinking is going to change that picture. No one gets out of here alive!

So why do people insist that aging can be great if we simply see the glass as half full? Because they want to make money off book sales and fool the gullible public. Some of the writers even believe what they say – incredibly! Here’s their “fun” list: We don’t have to work anymore. We don’t have to raise and support children. We can relax and travel the world, sit on the porch with our chihuahuas, drink wine coolers, sleep all day, get food and supplies delivered, avoid germs and the people to whom the germs are attached.

Only novelists are honest about aging. For example, the science fiction novel “Old Man’s War” by John Scalzi tells it like it is:

“The problem with aging is not that it’s one damn thing after another – it’s every damn thing, all at once, all the time. . . People can live longer, and do live longer – but they still live those years as an old person. Nothing much has ever changed about that. . . then you’re 75, friends are dead, and you’ve replaced at least one major organ; you have to pee four times a night, and you can’t go up a flight of stairs without being a little winded – and you’re told you’re in pretty good shape for your age.”

So right!

For those of us who spent our entire lives watching our diets, going to the gym, volunteering for Little League, working 8 to 5, saving our money and investing in IRAs, life is supposed to be swell — forever. But it isn’t. “They” forgot to tell us that we can’t enjoy the fruits of all those labors if we get interrupted by mastectomies, prostate surgeries, gall bladder removal, foot operations, cataract surgery, hearing aids, bone-density loss, spinal disk deterioration, diabetes, cancer.

It’s ironic. We seem not to absorb life’s lessons. For example, we walk down the aisle thinking our marriages will be perfect: loving, sexual, agreeable, compassionate, free of abuse. We think this even though we grew up in the poor or failed marriages of our parents. We think our children will become the kind of people we imagined in the bassinet, even though we ourselves went through addictions, divorces, poverty, jail.

Now we’re old, and we expect to boldly go into Star Trek retirement with brisk steps, big plans, good friends, enough money, and HEALTH. We expect this even though we have nursed grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts and old colleagues through the harrowing final years of life. We saw them reluctantly move to nursing homes. We listened to their litany of complaints. We visited them in hospitals. And then we went to their funerals.

But hey! It’s never going to happen to ME!

It IS going to happen to you. The last decade of life reminds us of this – every day. In the middle of the night, we grope our way to the bathroom, not admitting we’re never going to get an uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep again, even though the AARP magazine prescribes it. We blame ourselves: too much tea before bed. Too much television after 6. Too much gardening during the day. Too much. Too much. “All my fault.”

No. No. No, Dear Reader. We are NOT to blame. Time and Nature are to blame. We are luckier than dogs who live at most 18 years. We are even more fortunate  than ancient humans who were lucky to see age 30. But we still have a time limit, even though scientists are trying to push it back.

Meanwhile, like dogs and ancient humans, we have to live for months or years with slowly dying. People who write books on aging like to minimize this by saying “we are dying from the moment we’re born.” Yeah, right. They’re twisting the meaning of dying. A 20-year-old person is probably 65 years from his death date. He’s not thinking about it at least once a day. He’s not reminded of it because of aches and pains and loss of abilities. He’s planning a life without giving a thought to the end of life. And that’s precisely what old people can’t do. Everything is stamped “end zone,” “last chapter,” “wave g’bye.”

Aside from the big events that we can no longer do – like get a job, climb a mountain, swim the English Channel – the small events are reminders:

1. We can’t thread a needle without a magnifying glass.
2. We can’t remember to turn off the hose.
3. We can’t get any “likes” on dating sites.
4. We can’t digest Chipotle take-out.
5. We can’t get up off the floor without holding on to something.
6. We can’t make it throughout the day without pills.
7. We can’t remember when – or if – we have taken our pills.
8. We can’t hear people if we aren’t reading their lips.
9. We have several pair of eyeglasses of different strengths.
10.  We can’t sleep because of leg and foot cramps.
11.  We use urinary pads at all times.
12.  We have crowns, bridges and false teeth.
13.  Minor cuts and bruises turn purple and leave scars.
14.  We have few or no friends.
15.  Our families consider us a responsibility.
16.  We can’t find music we like on the radio.
17.  We can’t find good TV shows or movies.
18.  We don’t travel because it’s too exhausting.
19.   We can’t figure out how computers and computer programs work.
20.   We consider politicians professional thugs.

No. 20 is probably true for everybody, but truer for old people who cannot relate to a world where Cary Grant is overdressed and not trusted because he was always over 30.

Let’s face the truth and be free: All those Botox ads on TV are dead wrong. We are not going to turn back the clock. We are not going to look like 40-year-olds. We are not going to reverse our aches and pains. We are going to age until our bodies give up. But we have lots of company. And it helps to admit that we’re not doing something wrong.

THERE IS NO CURE FOR OLD AGE! Now pick up that dog leash and go for a walk. Slowly.

If you don’t feel better now, breathe deeply and count to 10. You’ll save money on vitamins, potions, lotions, doctor visits and MRI co-pays. And you’ll save time. Your time would be better spent writing nasty replies to this essay.

Please do!

_Jane Anderson