Dear Rose: I recently went to a funeral where one of the eulogists from the woman’s deep past told stories that were unflattering. I was so embarrassed for her. I thought to myself, “she’s turning over in her grave.” And she wasn’t even buried yet. I think other people were nervous about it, too. They were tittering, but I don’t think they liked it. I think eulogists should be screened before they get up there. – Funeral Complainer
Dear Complainer: I agree with you. At my own husband’s funeral, I did not allow any eulogies. Period. Sometimes, what eulogists say is more about themselves than the deceased. It’s as if they want to be appreciated for liking or loving the person. “Hear what a great friend I was.” “We had the best experiences together.” “I don’t know how I’ll function without him.”
The fact is that people who attend funerals usually know a lot about the deceased already. They don’t need to hear the dates, the jobs, the number of marriages, etc. They really need to hear what ministers and philosophers say instead: How do we make sense of death – about this particular death?
I think most people would disagree with me on the basis that funerals or memorial services are a last reminder of a person’s life. These people would say that a eulogy is like a poem of the person being remembered. Oh, if this were only true! Real poems would be an exception to the rule. Many, many eulogies are boring recitations of the qualities we already know. It’s important, however, to prevent recitations of the qualities we don’t WANT to know, like the time the person went to jail for drunk driving.
Eulogies are not going to change until survivors or ministers specify a change. If eulogists are allowed, they should make their intentions to speak known in advance so the family can at least ask, “what are you going to say?” How could the family do this kindly? The announcement from the funeral home could include this message: “Eulogies are welcome with advance notice to the family or minister.” The people, including family, who intend to deliver a eulogy could then be told that the message should be no longer than one typewritten page or 5 minutes long. The minister should have a list of the eulogists and call them up by name. This would automatically eliminate the last-minute speakers who don’t want to be left out. And, of course, there should be a limit on the number of eulogies allowed.
Eulogists should exercise common sense, too. Do they want someone talking about their ex-mates, former lovers, throwing up at dorm parties? No! It’s not a time for eulogists to try out their comedy chops. It’s a time for quiet reflection – or noisy reflection if the deceased was a rock ‘n’ roll artist.
Meanwhile, people who attend funerals just have to put up with bad eulogies. If the family or the priest doesn’t lay down the rules, funerals will be long and sometimes boring or embarrassing. It’s hard to remember this bit when someone you love has died. But, as usual, change starts with one’s self.
